Thursday, May 21, 2009

Feeling devastated....

As I sit here burping my sweet 9 week old son, waves of emotion hit like a tidal wave...he is starting to refuse what little nourishment I have to offer him. Even just writing this evokes sobs from deep within. Why God? Why will you not allow me this bonding time with my son? Why are You allowing my milk to dry up? Don't You know that we can't afford to keep buying formula for a whole year? Don't You know how much stress this is adding to my days and the days to come? I don't understand...I just sit here feeling utterly broken, a failure, but not knowing why. I don't know what to do anymore. I would truly like a miracle and be able to breastfeed my son. I'm just so tired of trying and failing to fill him up...and he's just tired of me just tiding him over until the next bottle...

It's just not fair.

8 comments:

paige said...

ld, have you made an appointment with a lactation consultant?
i'm not *at all* trying to sound pushy, & contrary to my cousin's comment on my blog - i have NO judgement for other mamas in the way that they nourish their little ones. i also understand that you have a desire to have a successful breastfeeding relationship with your little guy. i think taking some time to get some help would be a good thing. There are also ways - (i don't want to get too lengthy in your comments section) of having him nurse with the tiny tube attached so he's getting more nourishment at bf time - have you seen those? i know that pumping doesn't affect our hormones & let down & milk production as well as a baby's suckling... Maybe it would be worth it to spend the next couple of months sitting down, working on this little partnership.
((((hugs))))
Let me know if there's anything i can do.
(There is an online magazine The Compleat Mother that also might have some suggestions to get things going. Malachi is still very little & there is still a lot of time left to get this happening.

Prvbs31Mama said...

I tried getting ahold of someone from the la leche league, explaining my situation...they haven't responded, and it's been almost a week.
Jamie said he has to suck pretty dang hard to get anything...I'm drying up, even with taking fenugreek and drinking the tea's. your friend was right about the pancake thing by the way!! lol
I doubt I'd ever use those tube thingies...but we'll see. Perhaps it would be a good thing to see a lactation consultant again...not sure how to find one though...I'll 311 it..lol
After a very emotional day, I think I'm going through grieving stages...lol, which seems so silly, but it's true. I know that perhaps my milk may still come in, but part of me is wondering if it's worth the agony...if I have to fight harder than I am just to keep my milk supply up. I don't know if I can do it without losing my mind. Already, it's affecting how I treat the other kids, I'm ALWAYS angry, nothing they do is cute and funny anymore, and I'm officially sinking into depression. As much as I DO want to breastfeed, I also want the struggle to be over. Does that make any sense? And then again, maybe the prescription they can give for lactation would do the trick? who knows...off to find a lactation consultant...

Lisa said...

*HUG* Try calling health link. Or try going to the south calgary health center and asking at the info desk there (I know they have LCs there, cause that's where i saw them).

Have you checked out Dr. newman? http://www.drjacknewman.com/

If its something that is really important to you, then pursue it with some professionals. I'd absolutely ask for Domperidone.

Hang in there LD. And if nothing else, try to remember that although breastfeeding is *wonderful* it isn't the only way to bond with your baby. You can love him just as much, and he will love you back just as much if you use formula.

Lisa

Vanessa said...

((Hugs)) LD!! Your post is bringing tears to my eyes for you! I wish we lived next door, and I could help you!! It sounds to me like you need some rest with baby in bed, and a lot of destressing time (lack of rest and stress impact milk supply so bad!) I also think you need to get some support from a compectent LC-prayers you find one soon!!
I wish I could help you-we will pray!!!

jessica jespersen said...

:( (*hugs*)... --j

Anonymous said...

Hi,

I don't want to sound KNOW it all. I do believe in Rooibos tea, you can get it at Superstore these days, their brand, with a Lion on it or Tetly has it too and fruit juice. The other thing is it sounds you might have a lot of stress in your life at the moment which I can not imagine makes it any easier. It is easy to say you need to relax, but then I don't know your situation well, but I'm going to say it anyway, RELAX AND REST. Let somethings go, and leave things at God's feet. He is big enough to handle it and will surprise you with his providence. Trust Him instead of telling Him how to solve your problems(ps. I'm not telling you this because I think you do it. I don't know you. BUT I know someone else who is very good at telling God HOW to solve her problems, and it has not worked to well for her. Trust me I've known this person all my life. :-) Only God knows her better and what is better for her)

Jenn

Prvbs31Mama said...

lol
You are wise Jenn! Yes I think stress may be a big factor. And despite how down I was, I'm feeling more ok with just breastfeeding as much as I can and just supplementing with the bottle. I think I was just SO heartbroken when he refused the breast to gulp down a bottle...that just renewed feelings of rejection and failure that I had with my firstborn. I do have some rooibos tea in the cupboard so I'll have a cup tonight and give that a try too...can you try too many things at once?!?! lol
And yes, I've questioned God lots about this but despite the fact that *I* think He should let me breastfeed, perhaps I'm supposed to go on a health cleanse or something. There's GOT to be a reason! sigh...I DO trust that He knows what He's doing...it's just hard though to trust blindly without knowing why...until it's behind me of course and then the "hindsight is 20/20" thing comes into play...

Amber R said...

I hope things have resolved by now. I just wanted to add that when I got pregnant when my baby was 3 mos old, my milk supply was completely gone by the time she was 7 mos. There was nothing I could do, I tried everything. I was really disappointed, she had started losing weight despite the 1 1/2 cups of baby food she was going through each day. So we started her on Baby's Only Organic. I add baby probiotics and glyconutrients. She has gone down to eating barely 4 oz of food daily and is gaining very well.
It came to this... I was crying out to God for an answer to my baby's problem, she also wasn't sleeping well (because she was so hungry), consequently we were both up a collective 4 hours every night. He said, "Formula" and I was horrified. But then he led to which one would be best and how to supplement it. God be praised.
But I really, really hope you were able to continue nursing!!